i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
