Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You ruined the universe
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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