i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
