Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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