i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
