Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
