im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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