ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
