She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
