how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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