I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
