Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
