OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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