I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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