My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
