and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
