As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
