Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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