The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
