weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
