I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
