I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
