Your tits are I can't wait for
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
