great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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