you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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