I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
