So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need a beard to bite.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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