I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I checked into jail on foursquare
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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