I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
