My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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