Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
