All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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