Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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