I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
