So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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