do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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