Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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