Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize