She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was CRYING into my vagina
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
