i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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