Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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