After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
