She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
