Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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