Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
