So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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