Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
