Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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