My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
