just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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