a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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