update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
