I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
