That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We have started to decorate penises.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
