yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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