U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
