Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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